missing my heart's melody

this is an emotional song for me. it seems to touch my heart at places so intimate and vulnerable that even i hardly go there. i feel helpless against the wind of its rhythm, each note plucking in me both feelings of excited eagerness and crushed defeat. the tempos of such extreme and contrary temperaments drag my thoughts into those secret spaces between memories where my hopes and fears, triumphs and failures, tear at each other with a fearfully quiet ferocity.

how can one place evoke such joy and pain? how can one song contain things it does not even sing about?

i miss the innocence of my noviceship.
i miss being awed, and grateful, and cheerful. ineffably so.
i miss the idealism of my spiritual infancy; of a time when i knew all was possible.
i miss being His little child sitting on His shoulders and knowing that the world was mine simply because i was with Him.
i miss dreaming and believing they will one day come true.

i miss being brave.

i miss having the faith of a child.

now, all that i hear echoing in the hollow chambers of my heart are memories of a tune that once reverberated throughout all my being. and how i thirst! how i long to sing this once more: My melody is You.

Though many times, I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and and call upon your name,
For underneath the shadow of your wings,
My melody is you.
Oh Lord, I seek you for I thirst,
Your mercy is the rain on the desert of my soul.
Oh Lord, I lift my lifeless eyes
And see your glory shine; how your kindness overflows!Though many times, I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and and call upon your name,
For underneath the shadow of your wings,
My melody is you.Oh Lord, your sanctuary calls,
I yearn to be with you in the rivers of your soul.
Though many times, I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and and call upon your name,
For underneath the shadow of your wings,
My melody is you.

a journey's wait

invitation to solitude 2, by Friar_JoEd.

the world is a strange place to me now.

maybe it always has been and i just didn't notice it. maybe its the 18 months i've been cloistered, trying to find my way in/out of myself. or maybe its me, although i don't feel anything's really changed.

the world seems loud, agitated, dissipated. i feel lost just walking to the corner store, and people seem to be going on all directions at once--somewhere and nowhere at once. nothing seems to make sense (do i make sense?).

all that keeps me from being drawn into the whirlpool is a quiet breeze that whispers of calm, a breath which somehow follows me around. i'm not quiet, neither does my presence inspire silence; i mean i sense a silent, gentle wind seems to push my sails.

looking around, i am scared i mught lose the breeze in the gusts of every day. it is all i can do to focus on it so i would not lose sense of it--to try to neglect every other audacious offense to my senses if only to remain attentive to that almost imperceptible gasp of peace.

this is my journey's wait. i have to walk, yet i have to keep waiting. my journey is no longer my own, it is the wisp's now. where it bid me go, i will--for, if i would trust, it is stronger than any tempest it bid me rush against.

i bind myself to do Your will; You give freedom to my heart. Ps119:31,32

November 21, 2006